Mothering
by tFantasyFan
Summary: A one-shot in which a scarf annoys Sanji, Luffy's assistance fails, Zoro is greatly amused and Usopp is a blatant mother-hen. Language, but what else is new?


_I apologize ahead of time. My first fandom endeavors never turn out that well-done or in-character. With time, I shall hopefully improve._

_Disclaimer: Well, this is new. I'm not making any money off of this One Piece foray, and I never will because I don't own them._

* * *

"Tch. Stupid mother-hen, don't know why he can't just mind his own damn business," Sanji grumbled, his deadly intent somewhat muffled by the large purple scarf that was practically strangling him. How was he supposed to smoke with the idiotic thing in his face like that, anyway?

"Don't see any of the rest of us going around shoving mittens and _shopping lists_-" and this particular sentiment sounded more violent in its delivery than any of the others had "-in _his_ face."

Zoro determined that the cook was just pissed off because of his own inability to think ahead enough to make a shopping list of his own. The mittens weren't all that big a deal, either- though the stitched in initials _had_ seemed a bit overboard.

Well, as long as it kept Usopp off his back and his fingers frostbite-free, he didn't care.

"Quit your whining, eyebrow," he snarled half-heartedly, not entirely in the mood for yet another pointlessly violent argument. "He writes lists and makes you dress warmly, so what? It keeps him from sneaking those damned tobasco pellets into everybody's meals, doesn't it?"

Luffy made an attempt to say something around his own bundle of winter clothing, several steps behind them in the snowy street. It was probably something to the effect of 'when did he do that?', as the captain could eat anything at any time, even while the rest of the crew's heads spontaneously combusted around him. Sparing a glance at the cook's face, he saw that Luffy's inability to "contribute" was coming across as the only decent outcome of this entire debacle.

Couldn't have _that_.

The swordsman rolled his eyes and gestured for the boy to lower his scarf and catch up to them. "We can't hear you like that," he pointed out, dodging Sanji's vengeful kick.

After making quick work of the knot holding the scarf in place, Luffy dashed forward with a grin, face slightly red as a result of its fresh exposure to the cold air. There was something resembling mischievous triumph in his expression, no doubt his happiness at having been allowed to free his face and _damn it_, Zoro had been forced to promise Usopp that he'd make him wear it the whole time; which meant that he was going to get some kind of lecture about cold weather and picking up dropped watch duty if the captain caught a cold.

After a few moments, the mental image really registered.

"Maybe the shitty cook's got a point," he muttered sourly, crossing his arms over his chest. His gaze flickered back over to the boy in the straw hat. "Hey, Luffy, put your scarf back up."

The other's expression was blank. "No. I just took it down."

"I don't care. Put it back up before you get a cold or something."

"You TOLD me I could pull it down."

"No I didn't," Zoro inserted hastily. "I just...waved at you."

"I don't want it up," Luffy said decisively, nodding once as if that was the end of the matter.

"I know," the swordsman ground out. "But if Usopp sees you like that when we get back to the ship, he'll have my ass."

Luffy just grinned up at him, informing Zoro that this was a battle he didn't plan on losing. Or maybe he was just agreeing that it would, in fact, be considered the swordsman's fault.

Crafty little bastard.

Sanji snorted. "What're you so afraid of, marimo? All you have to do is look at him wrong and he'll take off running in the opposite direction."

"I don't see you taking off your scarf or tearing up that list. Who's really afraid?" Came the challenging retort.

The cook halted, turning towards his adversary with a ferocious snarl and preparing to kick him into next _year_- but turning his head made that _stupid_ scarf tighten around his neck and he _couldn't_ fight unless he felt like getting strangled (which he didn't).

There was only one solution that could save his dignity. He tore off his mittens and immediately set to work.

His fingers clawed fruitlessly at the knot he'd tied the cloth into for several long seconds, each failed attempt to free himself only serving to make him more frustrated. Zoro snickered for a while before he seemed to realize that they wouldn't be engaging in battle. It was after this that he realized that the group still hadn't started moving again.

Taking advantage of the cook's distraction, he delivered a swift swat to the back of the blond head. "If you're going to untie it, do it while you walk. I want to get back to the ship while we're still not being chased by someone."

"Shut up! I'll do whatever I want." It was another reply lacking any real venom, and the chef threw the ends of the article of clothing back down with a disgusted huff. "Stupid shitty-"

As they once again picked up their pace, Zoro raised an eyebrow. "You can tie down sails but you can't handle a little scarf?"

"It's none of your business."

Luffy sprang forward without warning, eagerly yanking at the item in question. Sanji's face contorted as he did so and Zoro stood laughing while he pushed the captain away forcefully.

This didn't deter the boy as desired, but seemed to in fact intensify his determination. "Sanji, let me do it!" He insisted loudly, gesturing at the mangled purple strip of cloth. The other crew member in the vicinity took the opportunity to examine the knots for himself and shook his head mockingly before turning away.

Just as he was about to make some kind of scathing remark, an odd choking noise drew his gaze up to the now equally purple face of the ship's cook, which was as hilarious to him as it was meant to be alarming. Further examination showed that Luffy (and why, for God's sake, had Sanji let him within ten feet of the thing?) had somehow managed to get his fingers tangled up inside of the knot, furthering the problem rather than helping.

Which wasn't very surprising. He had that kind of effect on most situations.

Zoro rolled his eyes once more before deciding to end the potential threat, lest he be forced to explain to Nami exactly how much they would need for a funeral later on. It probably took a minute or so longer than was strictly necessary, but it wasn't like Luffy was going to lose any fingers as a result. And the cook was such a stubborn bastard, it would have taken at least another five minutes to do any lasting damage.

No harm, no foul: or at least that was his personal approach.

"Any particular reason you let him try to choke you to death?" He asked casually.

The one-eyed glare, as ever, failed to intimidate him.

"I thought," the cook stated in a clipped tone, "that he knew what he was doing." Which, in retrospect, was a ludicrous idea. But he wasn't going to admit that, because Zoro was already having the time of his life.

As it was, the swordsman couldn't resist a deadpan stare. "He doesn't."

"He got in and out of _his _just fine," the cook huffed, offended.

"What made you think that he tied his to begin with, you moron?"

"He didn't?"

If he had to slap his hand to his forehead one more time this week he was going to end up with a cracked skull. "…no. He didn't. He _can't._"

"Zoro's right," Luffy piped up, proudly dragging his scarf along on the ground behind him. "I don't know how."

A vein became faintly visible on Sanji's forehead. "That doesn't mean he can't undo a knot, asshole."

"I thought yours would be tied like mine. It wasn't," the captain added unnecessarily. "You should ask Usopp to help you when we get back."

"_I don't need his help!_"

"Apparently you _do,_" Zoro observed smugly, more than happy to make his opinion known.

"Oh, well if _you _think I do, who am I to question it?" Sanji shot back sarcastically. "Let me guess, he did yours for you, too?"

He was granted a very fleeting moment of victory in getting to see the other pirate look embarrassed. "I'm a swordsman, not a nursemaid," he uttered monotonously, trying to hide any evidence that he cared about it at all.

Luffy, in the meantime, frowned at the chef. "It'll only take him a minute to undo that one, so it's not like you won't have time to cook. Usopp's good at knots."

"All he's supposed to do is take watch when it's his turn and aim the cannon," the cook muttered irritably. "I don't see why he should give a shit about groceries and coats and colds."

The grin that stretched across the captain's face spoke volumes about how much smarter he thought he was than everybody else. "But if he didn't _do_ any of that stuff, there wouldn't be anyone doing it."

So maybe he had a point. Sanji told him to shut up anyway.

* * *

Upon approaching the deck Sanji found himself mentally checking off items on the accursed piece of paper in his hand- and upon said realization, he immediately ceased the action, crumpled it up and tossed it into the harbor beside the Going Merry.

Like he needed some shitty list to tell him what to buy. He was the chef, damn it. It was his job to know, and he already _knew_, he told himself firmly (quite eagerly ignoring the fact that he actually hadn't known they were almost out of apples, which had _rather conveniently _been needed for that night's dessert). He didn't need the list, he didn't need to report to Usopp- who had scurried down from the crow's nest squawking at Zoro about how Luffy was going to get a cold and then Zoro would get a cold from taking his watches- and he sure as hell didn't need Usopp's help untying a simple knot.

He'd put the thing on and he could get it off.

As he stormed into the galley with the day's produce wares, grumbling to himself about stupid weather and finding his cigarettes, Sanji noted idly that the marimo actually looked grudgingly sheepish over the entire affair. If it had been Luffy or himself or even the beautiful Nami-san lecturing, he was sure the only response would have been a brush-off and a snore.

Maybe it was just the fact that he'd promised. Zoro was always uptight about keeping his promises.

He couldn't help snorting regardless. Lists and scarves and scolding and worrying over nothing; only mothers and fathers were supposed to be good at that kind of thing. He didn't know much on the subject, but he was still pretty sure he was right because even while he was getting his ass kicked by the old man, Zeff always made sure that he wore warm clothes and didn't run with scissors or anything retarded like that. It was a sudden source of wonder how Mr. Dumb-As-A-Dead-Fish had gotten those worrywart qualities without anybody around to instill them.

The chef tugged at the knots in his scarf once again, watching an irate sniper force Luffy's back on with practiced ease. It made something in his chest tighten and pull, and his hand reached up of its own accord to check the area as he frowned.

After another moment, he turned away. If he still hadn't figured it out by the time he had to make dinner, maybe he would _consider _seeing if Usopp was too busy to lend a hand. Maybe. This inner resolution turned out to be a total bust as the sharpshooter edged into the galley to help him not ten minutes later, courtesy of a certain green-haired asshole's inability to keep his mouth shut at any time in history. With the effort of several minutes' fussing, the accursed object was finally tossed into a nearby chair, where it would remain for several weeks while the chef slowly got over his hatred.

Usopp said "you're welcome" even though he hadn't been even so much as remotely thanked- and instead of getting pissed off, it just made Sanji smile.

* * *

_You may now crucify me. I can take it._


End file.
